“Make something that would normally be considered cute and cuddly into something that isn’t.”

With two little girls in the family, our household has no shortage of cute and cuddly things. Any attempt at purging the glut of stuffed animals is met with, “Awww, but they’re so CUUUUUTE!”

After first trying some evil eyebrows on a puppy and then a piggy, I landed on a sweet, white teddy bear. But a scowl was not enough. I needed a scathing insult to complete his dastardly conversion.

In my humble opinion, no one strung words into insults like William Shakespeare. (The Monty Python writers are a close second; but really, they’re just emulating Bill.)

One of my favorites:

Thou art like a toad; ugly and venomous.

This comes from As You Like It. But there are so many more. Search online for “Shakespearean insults,” and you’ll see that I am not the only one fascinated by Shakespeare’s way with mean words. The Shakespearean Insulter is especially fun. The site’s simple interface will hurl insults at you one after another, as long as you have patience to click the button. That’s how I landed on the gem for my not-so-cute bear, also from As You Like It.

I do like it. And thou might like it, too.

“Truly thou art damned, like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side.”
~ William Shakespeare in As You Like It ~